Letters to my future self


19th Mar - Oh well

It's bound to happen again at some point. We managed to last 6 months this time, which isn't too awful, I guess. The irony here is that we're arguing here over the celebration of the union of some others.

Oh well, it is.



17th Sep - Collection of sorrows

Where this once used to document my daily life, it's been now reduced to a catalog of my sorrows, a place where I write down my feelings without fear of getting hurt in return.

This has to be the worst year ever, by far. I've always criticized the act of crying as something silly - 'if you have time to cry, you have time to fix the problem'. Yet, I've cried for the 3rd time this year. The loss of mum was something that could not have been avoided, and I live currently in the fear that I may lose another. Even the phone ringing strikes fear in my heart now.

We're both very obstinate people and we don't easily admit to our faults. Despite this, I've always lived with the principle that I value our relationship more than I value winning our arguments. In many instances, I've broken the silence and tried to repair the relationship from where we left off. I don't always get forgiveness immediately, and I can live with that, once or twice. But its been happening very often and it makes it very tiring for me. I somehow feels like I'm trying a lot harder to make this relationship work and this is made worse by our increased frequency of our arguments.

Its been nearly 5 years ago since we 1st met and I thought she was the one. I still vaguely remember how I traveled back and forth to celebrate that birthday with her and despite it being an utter failure, I still look back at those times fondly. I remember when I 1st held her hand by the breakwater, so fearful of rejection, but still took that step eventually. I remember asking if she'd like to apply for a flat for the 1st time, biting my lips nervously as I was worried that she'd say ' I think its too early to...' and the rush of joy when she said 'yes'. I remember holding her hand at mum's deathbed as I cried my heart out.

None of this has changed, I still love her, but I can no longer be certain that the feeling is mutual.I'm no longer the same person that can come up with surprises, choosing to focus on moving ahead. Am I not the same person she has fallen in love with anymore?

If she can truly be happier without me, then I should let her go, it'd hurt me more to see her in pain than to keep her by my side.

Mum, I miss you. If only you were around to guide me...



15th Aug - Taking a step back

No one has exploded yet, so that's something new for a change. Not too entirely sure how we got to this stage either.... because I wasn't trying hard enough?

Feels almost like for every step that I take forward, I'm moving 2 steps back. Every time I feel like I could hit the next milestone and we hit another bump along the road.

Maybe a guy trying to get into ladies fashion isn't such a terrific idea. For one, I can't actually wear these clothes, which doesn't quite add any credibility to the products I'm trying to sell.

I wish mum was still around, I would have been able to discuss this with her and maybe learn something new.



9th May - Uncertainty

Not even sure how it evolved into this and not even sure how this is supposed to be my fault. Is offering alternative perspectives such a bad thing? will saying 'yes' make me a more supportive person?

Today marks 1 year, 8 months. Is this as far as we'll get?
I have no clear answer, no clear direction...



23rd Apr - Hurt

If only I could travel back in time to about a year back and undo it all...


5th Jun - <3


29th Mar - Me, my music and the long road ahead...

2 hrs, 26 mins, 32secs. The time it takes to walk from Dhoby Ghaut back home. It's a long walk. But it gave me the time to slowly run through the things that have happened so far.

I'll be honest, life isn't exactly the greatest right now, things are falling apart. Mum's ill, Dad's struggling to deal with the bills. Despite my promotion, work isnt really exciting, the quality of my work is dropping and then there's the whole thing about letting my instincts guide me.

Look where that got me. I'm dishonored, upset my beloved and no doubt will disappoint many more.

What have I done? Who am I? What am I going to do?
I so wish I could cry right now, it might not solve my problems, but at least I might feel a little better.