tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56505542024-03-08T01:50:24.531+08:00Letters to my future selfelvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.comBlogger243125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-7432221032540172472013-03-19T21:55:00.000+08:002013-03-19T21:55:01.545+08:0019th Mar - Oh well<br />
<br />
It's bound to happen again at some point. We managed to last 6 months this time, which isn't too awful, I guess. The irony here is that we're arguing here over the celebration of the union of some others.<br />
<br />
Oh well, it is.<br />
<br />
-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-29559366421182586982012-09-17T22:37:00.000+08:002012-09-17T22:37:06.154+08:0017th Sep - Collection of sorrows<br />
<br />
Where this once used to document my daily life, it's been now reduced to a catalog of my sorrows, a place where I write down my feelings without fear of getting hurt in return.<br />
<br />
This has to be the worst year ever, by far. I've always criticized the act of crying as something silly - 'if you have time to cry, you have time to fix the problem'. Yet, I've cried for the 3rd time this year. The loss of mum was something that could not have been avoided, and I live currently in the fear that I may lose another. Even the phone ringing strikes fear in my heart now.<br />
<br />
We're both very obstinate people and we don't easily admit to our faults. Despite this, I've always lived with the principle that I value our relationship more than I value winning our arguments. In many instances, I've broken the silence and tried to repair the relationship from where we left off. I don't always get forgiveness immediately, and I can live with that, once or twice. But its been happening very often and it makes it very tiring for me. I somehow feels like I'm trying a lot harder to make this relationship work and this is made worse by our increased frequency of our arguments.<br />
<br />
Its been nearly 5 years ago since we 1st met and I thought she was the one. I still vaguely remember how I traveled back and forth to celebrate that birthday with her and despite it being an utter failure, I still look back at those times fondly. I remember when I 1st held her hand by the breakwater, so fearful of rejection, but still took that step eventually. I remember asking if she'd like to apply for a flat for the 1st time, biting my lips nervously as I was worried that she'd say ' I think its too early to...' and the rush of joy when she said 'yes'. I remember holding her hand at mum's deathbed as I cried my heart out.<br />
<br />
None of this has changed, I still love her, but I can no longer be certain that the feeling is mutual.I'm no longer the same person that can come up with surprises, choosing to focus on moving ahead. Am I not the same person she has fallen in love with anymore?<br />
<br />
If she can truly be happier without me, then I should let her go, it'd hurt me more to see her in pain than to keep her by my side.<br />
<br />
Mum, I miss you. If only you were around to guide me...<br />
<br />
-out-<br />
<br />
<br />elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-81312795827695331532012-08-15T00:29:00.001+08:002012-08-15T00:30:08.650+08:0015th Aug - Taking a step back<br />
<br />
No one has exploded yet, so that's something new for a change. Not too entirely sure how we got to this stage either.... because I wasn't trying hard enough?<br />
<br />
Feels almost like for every step that I take forward, I'm moving 2 steps back. Every time I feel like I could hit the next milestone and we hit another bump along the road.<br />
<br />
Maybe a guy trying to get into ladies fashion isn't such a terrific idea. For one, I can't actually wear these clothes, which doesn't quite add any credibility to the products I'm trying to sell.<br />
<br />
I wish mum was still around, I would have been able to discuss this with her and maybe learn something new.<br />
<br />
*sigh*<br />
-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-22080383871207865022012-05-09T10:22:00.000+08:002012-05-09T10:22:44.182+08:009th May - Uncertainty<br />
<br />
Not even sure how it evolved into this and not even sure how this is supposed to be my fault. Is offering alternative perspectives such a bad thing? will saying 'yes' make me a more supportive person?<br />
<br />
Today marks 1 year, 8 months. Is this as far as we'll get?<br />
I have no clear answer, no clear direction...<br />
<br />
-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-7779014248602870102012-04-24T00:16:00.002+08:002012-04-24T00:17:28.559+08:00<br />
23rd Apr - Hurt<br />
<br />
If only I could travel back in time to about a year back and undo it all...elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-54121818322134086262011-06-07T22:43:00.001+08:002011-06-07T22:43:21.403+08:005th Jun - <3elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-66107558791425320882011-03-29T21:43:00.003+08:002011-03-29T22:14:35.883+08:0029th Mar - Me, my music and the long road ahead...<br /><br />2 hrs, 26 mins, 32secs. The time it takes to walk from Dhoby Ghaut back home. It's a long walk. But it gave me the time to slowly run through the things that have happened so far.<br /><br />I'll be honest, life isn't exactly the greatest right now, things are falling apart. Mum's ill, Dad's struggling to deal with the bills. Despite my promotion, work isnt really exciting, the quality of my work is dropping and then there's the whole thing about letting my instincts guide me.<br /><br />Look where that got me. I'm dishonored, upset my beloved and no doubt will disappoint many more.<br /><br />What have I done? Who am I? What am I going to do?<br />I so wish I could cry right now, it might not solve my problems, but at least I might feel a little better.<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-41450596657276812312011-01-04T10:26:00.003+08:002011-01-04T13:53:53.680+08:004th Jan - New Year resolutions<div><br /></div><div>A few days late, but still going to put them down anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Career</div><div>Will be keeping a look out for change, I'm pretty certain this isn't what I signed up for nor what I want. It may seem too hasty to rush to start up this year, but we'll see. Starting in a neighboring country is a possibility due to lower start up costs and risks (?) but might be difficult to manage due to the distance.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Investments</div><div>NEED to stop making bad investments. Cards is a bad idea, given the current exchange rate and competition and risks. Will need to see if the money in the other account is suitable for other forms of safer investments.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Family</div><div>Hope everything turns out fine for mum. She's been slightly emotional these days due to her pain and probably said some stuff that she didn't really mean, so I really hope the doctors can find out what's bothering her exactly.</div><div><br /></div><div>Everything else seems to be moving ahead faster than I'd anticipated, I enjoyed the time we spent together, although there are vast areas where I probably can improve on. I'm not too picky with food so I generally leave the meals decision to her, but I probably should take the initiative from time to time. Finding more conversation topics will be great, it's just funny because since young, teachers have been complaining that I've been too talkative and now when I'm not, people are telling me that I should speak more. *heh*</div><div><br /></div><div>That kind of wraps up my plans for the year, let see how many of them I can fulfill over the next 12 months.</div><div><br /></div><div>-out-</div>elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-20352408485352067882010-12-20T23:54:00.003+08:002010-12-21T00:14:39.572+08:0020th Dec - Lost<br /><br />Approaching the end of the year now, yet I cant help but feel I'm back to where I began 4-5 months ago. That same feeling of fear and uncertainty...<br /><br />I'll be honest, I not going anywhere where I'm at right now. Or at least it doesn't seem so. Everyday at work seems to be just fighting fire or plugging leaks or holding out until a more permanent solution is in place. I don't feel I'm contributing anything significant and I'm not good at marketing myself either, which doesn't help me move higher up the ladder. Case in question is the recent performance appraisal. I wrote so little, my boss ended up writing in additional stuff for me. But I really can't bring myself to rate my performance full marks on every aspect, unlike *some* of my managers.<br /><br />The plan initially was to hold out until bonus then look out for a new job, preferably something that will help me work towards my goal of starting a business. The 1st round of bonuses won't be until March, which kinda holds back the plan. I'm not sure I want to stay here very much longer, yet at the same time, I'm not sure what I really want in life.<br /><br />Starting a business is the goal that I'm working towards right now, but is it truly worth the risk? Technically speaking, I could keep going at this job, it'd chip at me slowly, but it does what it needs to do - pay the bills. Is there a real need for me to quit my current one, take a pay cut, put everything on the line and delve into the unknown?<br /><br />I need someone/something to point me in the right direction...<br /><br />*sigh*<br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-16731244337867896082010-12-11T10:16:00.004+08:002010-12-12T11:35:09.053+08:0011th Dec - Northbound<br /><br />Made 2 trips up north recently to spend the weekend with my loved one. For some reason both times, something would go wrong somewhere, beyond planning, beyond control. The 1st time round I was meant to go up to surprise her. The 1st hiccup came when I was entering Malaysia - passport wasn't stamped. Then I spent a good 2 hours walking around her neighborhood trying to find her place, getting slightly lost in the process. Going back home, I left a T shirt behind. *sigh*<br /><br />As in turns out leaving the T shirt behind wasn't such a terrible mistake, since it meant that I could bring 1 less change of clothes up the next time. The 2nd time northbound, I was truly on my own. No more silly mistakes at the custom, even though, upon boarding the bus, I realised that I had left behind a bag of chocolates I'd meant to bring with me, in my rush to leave office. And this time back home, I left my netbook charger behind. *argh*<br /><br />At the rate I'm going, one of these days, I might actually forget to come home. *tsk*<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-52403101583124489812010-11-11T11:10:00.000+08:002010-11-11T11:11:18.089+08:0011 Nov - Just because I know you're reading this...<br /><br />老婆, 我爱你! <3<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-22484833790483848032010-11-10T13:18:00.003+08:002010-11-10T13:28:50.170+08:0010th Nov - draining<br /><br />I'm tired. Work here is not all smooth sailing. I'm feeling more and more like a mindless drone these days. I'm just merely executing instructions. What's more frustrating is when I see the managers try to get away with doing stuff and it somehow makes its way onto my lap. My desk is so messy now, I haven't yet have the time to tidy it up properly. My shoulders are stiff, I've lost weight and gained eye bags. Yay, go me.<br /><br />Sometimes I tell myself that maybe I need a short getaway to clear my head, but I only took a holiday no more than 2 months ago!<br /><br />*sigh*<br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-50441723202537067532010-11-07T13:07:00.003+08:002010-11-07T13:27:01.325+08:007th Nov - on wheels<br /><br />Driving is stressful, at least for me, since I don't drive that often. So, it was pretty gutsy of me to arrange and even make the suggestion to drive her home. It didn't work out too awful, we're both safe and sound at home, although given a chance, I might want to study the map a little more before heading out.<br /><br />The trip to her place was surprisingly ok. I had some doubts when I was exiting KPE on whether I was on the right track, panicked a little when I saw the traffic jam (there was an accident) and panicked again nearer to her place when I thought I'd missed a turn, hitting the accelerator when I should be hitting the brakes and what not.<br /><br />The return trip was slightly more messy, it took me awhile before I found my way back to PIE and even then, I missed the turn slightly and debated for awhile before deciding to make an illegal turn up the expressway. It was all fine on the PIE until where I was supposed to switch to the KPE, the road split 2 ways and I wasn't too sure which one it was. Almost came to a standstill when the taxi behind me horned. ><" Randomly picked one and ended up in Aljunied. *oh well* Thankfully, I was more familiar with the roads around in that area, since Jiemin stays there and we hold our gaming session there quite frequently. So I managed to navigate my way back. Took longer than I'd expected, but still home nevertheless. Heh, hopefully I'll get it right the next time, assuming there's a next. ><"<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-29348407107675151522010-11-01T11:07:00.002+08:002010-11-01T14:22:33.386+08:001st Nov - Delightful<br /><br />I'd like to think that I'm smiling more these days, which isn't at all a bad thing. It's like the world is more colorful and vibrant these days, makes me want to go out and see more things.<br /><br />It was really enjoyable weekend, we didn't spend that much time together, but I think it was time well spent. I shared with her some of the people I hang out with and some of the things I enjoy doing.<br /><br />The funniest thing that happened all weekend was when on Saturday, she asked me over msn why I had not made any attempt to hold her hand over the last 2 days ><". That took me by surprise. It's not that I didn't want to, but I just haven't mustered enough courage to do so. It's a tough call bearing in mind to be respectful, mindful of her personal space and being together. It really helps that she's very straightforward in this aspect, since I'm slow in taking up the hints (if there were any in the 1st place). But I really need to start taking initiatives. Jeanie is right, I can't always be letting her make the 1st moves...<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-56043603493481452102010-10-18T12:55:00.002+08:002010-10-18T13:24:02.732+08:0018th Oct - Plot twist<br /><br />Seems like she was really unhappy at her current job and something happened last week that was the last straw. She tendered her resignation following that incident. Her management has yet to get back to her about it, but assuming she serves her 1 month's notice, she would be back mid next month.<br /><br />I'm naturally delighted by this, its a nice surprise, at the same time I'm also hoping that its a correct decision on her part. Up til now, I've refrained from making direct advice to her regarding her work as I feel I do not fully grasp her field of work and the work environment but if things are as she described, then she might as well come back here. I believe there are other opportunities to be explored here.<br /><br />Now, all I need to do is to quickly tidy up that dump I call my room and look forward to Christmas. =)<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-64664645935393900302010-10-12T12:03:00.002+08:002010-10-12T12:23:57.772+08:0012th Oct - Civilization<br /><br />Civilization V came out a couple of weeks back, missed the 4th installment in the series, so I thought I'd give this one a try. I'm actually more excited about this one than starcraft actually. For one this game is a complete package, not region locked and ... still cheaper.<br /><br />Compared to its processors, this one boosts a vast improvement in graphics. Game play however, is relatively the same. The game is now hooked up onto steam thou and has an achievement page, which further increases the replay value of the game.<br /><br />Now while I've been busy playing Civilization on my PC, it seems that ants have taken up civilization within my room. Signs that I need to start tidying up soon, which is probably a good idea, since I'm probably expecting guests sometime in the near future. It's kinda amazing and worrying at the same time, how much stuff I've allowed myself to accumulate and pile up. Probably need to have a more systematic way to store my stuff. Not having my own private space is kinda troublesome, but I probably can find a workaround somehow, I think.<br /><br />Too many things to do and too little things getting done, probably a good idea to put gaming aside for the time being...<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-36949735539446748892010-10-03T22:53:00.002+08:002010-10-03T22:56:09.157+08:003rd oct - new considerations?<br /><br />Maybe I should get a part time job over the weekends. It's not like I'm really using the time productively. Rather than spending more money, maybe I should convert the time to gaining relevant experience and/or making money instead.<br /><br />Will I be able to juggle it all without burning out thou?<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-21345186655663155102010-10-01T12:57:00.002+08:002010-10-01T13:09:34.509+08:001st Oct - absence makes the heart grow fonder?<br /><br />I certainly hope so. Just when I'm about the strike the 1st month off the calender, the date of her return is pushed back by 1 month. From the company's point of view it doesnt quite make sense to let her return in December and return again in February for Chinese New Year, so yea. Can totally understand why, but still a bummer nevertheless.<br /><br />On the bright side, promised that I might be able to let her sample some of the products I intend to sell, so that gives me an additional month to tinker around. I'm probably going to have to start experimenting soon. Got to get all the cards out of the way and decide if I'm ever going to complete the cosplay...<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-90454055613892708282010-09-30T12:51:00.003+08:002010-09-30T13:30:11.206+08:0030th Sep - new concept?<br /><br />Maybe opening in town might not be such a far fetched idea after all. Probably need a simple setup thou, something less elaborate, exhibition booth kind of setup.<br /><br />This probably reduces the cost on renovations, all we need is the equipment and a partition separating the front and the preparation area. The booth decoration will be simply digital print on canvas, plastered over the wall panels.<br /><br />Something like KOI at Iluma. Speaking of which, I was told that KOI is actually 豆 written sideways, subtle, but very clever.<br /><br />Probably going for a tropical theme, attempting a fusion of tropical fruits with the original idea under the '夏の夢' label, which translates roughly to summer's dream, the fact that its in kanji and doesn't trail too far from its chinese counterpart is a bonus.<br /><br />Toning down the idea also means we can skip the elaborate costumes altogether, sticking with a simple beach wear style uniform, which will be appropriate too, since I suspect a setup like this will probably be outdoor.<br /><br />The start up cost issue still bugs me. I'm pretty sure I can cough out 10 by the end of next year , but that won't leave me with much. As per most start ups, I probably won't expect to be able to start drawing money out from month 1, so I'm not entirely how long I can keep going. While I hope it won't happen, if we flop, I'll be in caught in a rather bleak looking situation.<br /><br />I do hope to be able to settle down before I hit 30, but if that happens, then well, plans will have to be pushed back.<br /><br />I really hope I'm not over thinking this. While I don't want to be making a hasty decision without proper planning, I don't want to be caught procrastinating to the point of dropping the idea entirely. We'll see. For now, 1 step at the time.<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-70458929410318550432010-09-28T13:01:00.002+08:002010-09-28T13:07:53.230+08:0028th Sep - it never rains but it pours...<br /><br />Seems like the lens I'd acquired recently has some dust specks in it that are very visible when the lens is at certain focal lengths. Needless to say, I'm now kicking myself for not discovering the fault earlier, even after taking the trouble to go down to test it personally.<br /><br />God knows how much I have to spend to service it and I thought I got a good deal off it too. If a deal is too good to be true, it probably is and I of all people should know this. So so silly.<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-71231400454576927562010-09-27T10:52:00.004+08:002010-09-27T15:33:19.024+08:0027th Sep - bumpy road<br /><br />Been 2 weeks, starting on the 3rd, since I got back. Not everything has been smooth sailing. Got back again to card gaming, which is probably a horrendous decision, seeing that I'd previously laid rest that part of my life. What was worse is that I'd somehow managed to talk myself into buying a case of cards to turn over for profit. It didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. Not only are the rares not moving, I got scammed off the loot cards. Granted, I paid for these with my personal savings and not the money I'm setting aside every month, its still a huge amount and feeling the pinch nevertheless. Money aside, it's also taking up a lot of my time just to get everything sorted. There are piles and boxes of cards all over my room now, unsightly and annoying.<br /><br />Speaking of savings, I've finally gotten around to starting a new bank account to set aside my money. A chat with Janus the other day revealed that I'm looking at start up costs at about 100k. Good lord, now when the hell am I going to be able to get started at this rate?<br /><br />The plan to ship mooncakes didn't work. I bought the wrong kind of mooncakes anyway. Strangely enough, it did not occur to me that snowskin mooncakes need to be kept chilled until I got home. Needless to say, it probably won't survive the flight and not turn bad.<br /><br />Here's hoping I don't add any more bad decisions to the trainwreck...<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-34119564480857155782010-09-15T20:06:00.001+08:002010-09-15T20:08:02.256+08:0015 Sep - plain silliness<br /><br />How can anyone fall down while walking? Last I checked, I have 2 legs like everyone else, geez!<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-68913657649246150872010-09-13T23:13:00.004+08:002010-09-14T02:23:52.317+08:0013th Sep - 振作点吧<br /><br />自己都说了,只是三个月罢了,又不是三年... 害得周围的人都为自己担心, 真是不象样。<br />迟迟不向人家告白还差点让她看到自己落泪的一幕,差劲死了。<br /><br />耐心点罢,有些事是急不来的。 三个月转眼间就过了,别因为一时的冲动害得她分心。<br /><br />一定做得到的...<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-65960481809151303222010-09-12T17:13:00.007+08:002010-09-12T21:00:10.001+08:0012 Sep - A moment of weakness<br /><br />So, this is it. She flew back this morning, drawing a close to my week long break. So much has happened over the past one week... if this was a dream, then I'd wish never to wake up.<br /><br />So many thoughts ran through my mind today at the airport. The plan to put on a brave front obviously failed when she texted me while boarding, asking me not to be upset. New emotions that I've previously never experienced forming an internal struggle. While leaving the airport, I slowly recollected the events that occurred over the past week, the Ipod started playing '关怀方式', before I knew it, tears were rolling. I frantically tried to wipe them off... I really thought I would have been much much stronger than this, apparently not.<br /><br />"itsonlythreemonthsitsonlythreemonthsitsonlythreemonthsitsonlythreemonthsitsonly<br />threemonthsitsonlythreemonthsitsonlythreemonthsitsonlythreemonthsitsonlythree<br />monthsitsonlythreemonths..."<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5650554.post-46575802714522388522010-09-10T23:54:00.001+08:002010-09-10T23:56:38.519+08:0010th Sep - The final night<br /><br />Her hand in mine, sitting side by side at the breakwater, listening to the waves, looking at the stars...<br /><br />I'm not sure if I can ask for anymore...<br /><br />-out-elvenarcherZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03352684282301990972noreply@blogger.com0