Letters to my future self

20120917

17th Sep - Collection of sorrows

Where this once used to document my daily life, it's been now reduced to a catalog of my sorrows, a place where I write down my feelings without fear of getting hurt in return.

This has to be the worst year ever, by far. I've always criticized the act of crying as something silly - 'if you have time to cry, you have time to fix the problem'. Yet, I've cried for the 3rd time this year. The loss of mum was something that could not have been avoided, and I live currently in the fear that I may lose another. Even the phone ringing strikes fear in my heart now.

We're both very obstinate people and we don't easily admit to our faults. Despite this, I've always lived with the principle that I value our relationship more than I value winning our arguments. In many instances, I've broken the silence and tried to repair the relationship from where we left off. I don't always get forgiveness immediately, and I can live with that, once or twice. But its been happening very often and it makes it very tiring for me. I somehow feels like I'm trying a lot harder to make this relationship work and this is made worse by our increased frequency of our arguments.

Its been nearly 5 years ago since we 1st met and I thought she was the one. I still vaguely remember how I traveled back and forth to celebrate that birthday with her and despite it being an utter failure, I still look back at those times fondly. I remember when I 1st held her hand by the breakwater, so fearful of rejection, but still took that step eventually. I remember asking if she'd like to apply for a flat for the 1st time, biting my lips nervously as I was worried that she'd say ' I think its too early to...' and the rush of joy when she said 'yes'. I remember holding her hand at mum's deathbed as I cried my heart out.

None of this has changed, I still love her, but I can no longer be certain that the feeling is mutual.I'm no longer the same person that can come up with surprises, choosing to focus on moving ahead. Am I not the same person she has fallen in love with anymore?

If she can truly be happier without me, then I should let her go, it'd hurt me more to see her in pain than to keep her by my side.

Mum, I miss you. If only you were around to guide me...

-out-


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