Letters to my future self

10th feb - enough

this is dragging on far too long. its really a very very bad timing.
it had to be my birthday that pulled the plug and not to mention, mel's coming around the corner, and lun's flying off.

i'm sure u know better then me that the f-word is a very strong word. despite the fact that i'm very outspoken, angry and bitter, i've abstrained from the word so far in all my replies to u. u on the other hand has mentioned that one word no less then 10 times in all ur posts so far. if u truly wanted to salvage this friendship, u know wad to do.

by now its evident that we have varying definations of friends.

i do not have the privilages of having friends as friendly as all of u do. then again, i nv had many friends. they are countable with my fingers, really.

having setup my blog for over 1 yr already, the number of comments made to my posts or to my tagboard is pretty much countable, which is y i nv borthered to renew my tagboard, its jus going to sit there until my acct expires again.

when ppl msg me on msn, very often it starts of with "koon, have u got xxx?" or "going down today?" or "wad do u think of xxx deck?"

does that mean that these ppl arent my friends or mybe i should start roaring that them too?

this is not to specifically counter wad u have said, but honestly, i keep my blog as a personal referance. something that i can look back and read when i'm much older. it catalogs wad i feel during a certain day.

step 1: collect feelings at the end of the day.
step 2: compress them into 1 page.
step 3: archived!
there u have it, no more bottled up feelings or pent up anger, all in 3 easy steps!

i've rarely had ppl feedback to me wad i've written, neither do i see the need for that to happen. theres not much need for ppl to share my feelings, like say 1 or 2 days aft i've been hit by it.

u on the other hand have all the right to criticise us for not showing concern, because ur friends do otherwise.

our lives have drifted apart. one of u has gone back to studying. one of u doing an internship. the remaining 2 of us are still in ns. as compared to secondary skool, we no longer have common topics to speak of. sometimes we choose not to comment on topics on blogs or even msg ppl abt them, so that it gives us an opportunity to tok abt it when we meet. didnt that happen when i ended up 9th place and we spoke abt it during the stayover during that week? during the short stopover at the hawker centre during our short trip down to chinatown, would the topic on bylines come up, assuming we had commented abt it b4? all the tan hong leng jokes are way past their due date, they cant be used as conversation fillers all the time.

a chinese saying goes "yi tui wei jing" - to achieve progress, by 1st taking steps backwards. i think it applies here.

its not abt making concessions, its abt mutual understanding. understanding ur friends' actions.

the fire has stopped burning in my heart, which is y i'm not going on the offensive today. i'm tired. well anyways if i've made any false accusations yesterday, i'm sorry. angry ppl say silly things.

btw, additional thanks to the person(s) who choose to get me the sandman companion, its a great book. it made me go back and reread all my sandman issues i have so far to catch all the stuff that i've missed previously.

also, happy new yr guys. i've been caught up too much by recent events that i've forgot abt this simple new yr greeting. better late then none, i say.

*interesting pt to note: our different personalities show so much as to how we responded to each other's comments. i actually felt quite amused when i took a step backward and saw the picture as a whole*

alright, its to bed, then to work
-out-